The dog we had when I was growing up was an adorable and slobbery wet mop named Cutty, a wonderful friend and companion known mostly for her thick black fur, dragon breath and abysmal bladder control. (Seriously, best dog ever, but if you'd have brought one of those hotel-room backlights to our downstairs carpet, you would have seen nothing but a minefield of long-dried puddles. If I'd have had girls over, it would have been a problem. It was not usually a problem.)
There was a lot to like about Cutty: She could smile on command, she could catch mice when you lived in a 400-year-old house in rural Indiana and she could consume an entire box of 12 chocolate Santas in one sitting, although the next 24 hours are something I've spent years trying to forget.
But Cutty, being a dog, did not live fancy. She had one possession in the world, one, not counting the throw pillow in the living room she would occasionally make love to. (I know what you're thinking, and yes, the guests were regularly notified, and we had Lysol or whatever.) And that possession was a red rubbery ball that she got seriously growly about if you tried to touch it. Oh, wait, she also had a red-and-white dogsweater my Mom made her wear at Christmastime, and every time you put it on her she would give you this look like, "Oh, I see that you are trying to get me to run away from home?" So, OK, three possessions. Still, she never, at any point in her 16 years, ever owned a $6,000 custom wedding dress.
This sets her apart from Baby Hope Diamond, a tiny Coton de Tulear, which is a kind of dog if you are rich, who this past weekend was part of what has gone into the Guinness Book of World Records as The Most Expensive Pet Wedding In History, because someone needs to put a stop to the Guinness Book of World Records.
The most expensive pet wedding in history cost $270,000, all of which was donated, according to ABC News. It included - and this will be the part where you could be forgiven for wanting to drive a large-track bulldozer through a ballroom full of rich people - a $6,000 custom dress for the bride (designed, the article states, by couture designer Henry Roth, and if that name means anything to you please never invite me to lunch), $30,000 in flowers, $5,000 in sushi and $15,000 for a seven-piece orchestra. After the ceremony, the dogs enjoyed a buffet of treats and a cake by people who have a TV show about cake. The event, reports say, raised $50,000 for the Humane Society of New York, sooooo factoring in the $270,000 in donations, um, maybe some of the leftover goes to math education? Flower cleanup? Christmas sweaters?
(Oh, hey, just in case you don't yet want to fly to space, the previous record-holder for most expensive pet wedding was a ceremony for two cats in Thailand that rang in at $16,421, which not only seems comparatively sensible but kind of a ridiculous bargain/future tourist sales pitch. "LOOKING TO MARRY YOUR PETS ON THE CHEAP? MIGHT WE SUGGEST THAILAND?")
Anyway, the groom was, and there is just no way to type this without feeling an indescribable sadness, a tie-dyed poodle named Chilly Pasternak. Wait, was there a groom in this situation? Which one is the bride? Are these roles even accurate? This is why I have already had a stern discussion with our fish, at least the ones that were still alive, which was not all of them, about the strict budget of $3,000 I'm setting for their wedding. I will not have these animals making a mockery of traditional marriage like this.
Jeff Vrabel is not sure that Lysol would have helped much in the afore-mentioned situation. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.